Happy Birthday.

So.....my sister's birthday partay is going on right...now. 

I'm a bit depressed. Okay.....a lot. 

You know how I said that I was going to attempt to move on from *C*?

Weeelll, it's not working. Far from it, in fact. 

And I know this, because I cried. Again. Christmas Day....or night. And I was flat-out bawling. 

Ugh......this is sooo frustrating. I want to talk to him, dammit! Why does he do this? And more importantly, why do I have to like him?! Why can't I get over him?

Got my hair cut today. Bangs.....I'm not sure if I like them yet.....they are side bangs, but they are a bit different than I'm used to.....but I guess it works. Also got about a half an inch off. And I dyed it again Saturday. So.....it works.

Bought two more books....I have a huge amount of reading I want to accomplish. But I don't think I will get any of it done.

Alright, I'm going to end this here, since it's a depressing and boring posting. Sorry to take up time with trivial nonsense. 

<333

I'm not in love.

Right.....

I've come to the difficult and depressing decision that I am going to make an attempt to move on from *C*. I know for a fact it's going to be ridiculously hard....I just know it.

But....I think that's what he wants, and I want to make him happy. So if he wants me out of his life....then I guess that is what I must do, no matter how it makes me feel.

I happened upon this conclusion due to a bulletin he posted on Myspace last night....it was entitled "you're just a phase," and it contained one line of writing: "but I'm over it."

I haven't the slightest idea as to who he's referring to...but I automatically assume that it's me. Which, I don't get considering we don't talk, like....ever. But....I feel like he's putting this message out for me. 

See, I am not like the other girls he's been with. Well....we weren't even together to begin with, but whatever. Not the point. So....I don't know. Phase....maybe? Well, at any rate, I've decided that if he wants space and doesn't want my friendship, or more than that, then I will just remove myself from the picture.

Then again, if he is not referring to me, then he will undoubtedly speak to me again in the future....so I suppose only time will tell. But just as well.....my friends do not feel he's the best for me....but you can't help who you fall for. It just happens. But until I know for a fact....I'm working on the painful transition.

On another note, I am going to dye my hair again. I haven't dyed it black in a long time. I feel it suits me, so I shall do it again this break. I also want to trim my hair and get my side bangs back. We shall see.

Aaaand I have a thing for The Academy Is.... Especially William Beckett. I know I went on and on about celebrity crushes last night (or the night before I guess) but seriously....he is quite the person. And I like that they are from Chicago. Score for Illinois people.

I would love to date a very.....artistic person. Think....scene/emo (scemo...ha), with black framed glasses.....likes to read and drink coffee....loves music, perhaps is a musician....likes to write.....is quite intelligent....aaand wouldn't hurt if they were a vegetarian either. Wow. I do believe that I A) have too much time on my hands to think about these things, and B) set too high expectations. 

Alright....it's getting late, and I have to work all day tomorrow, starting at 9:30 AM. Until next time...

Who Do I Fancy.

So. I think this will be a bit short, because A) my stomach is killing me, from all the coffee I've had for the past....3 days; and B) I'm freaking tired, considering it's midnight and I haven't gone to bed before 1 AM every night since Saturday. 

I was thinking about celebrity crushes. Who would I crush on that has made it big, so-to-speak?

Hmmm. I think the question is worthy of me compiling a list, since everything I do usually has to have a list.

Commencing listing phase.

-William Beckett from The Academy Is. He is fine. Really.

-The "clean singer" from The Devil Wears Prada, Jeremy DePoyster. He is sooooo scene. But he is quite good looking. And funny. Gotta have that.

-The "clean singer" again from Underoath, Aaron Gillespie. Not my usual type, as in hair color. 

-Brendon Urie from Panic at the Disco. Cute.

-Peter Doherty and Carl Barat from The Libertines. Like a two-for-one deal.

-Weston DuPree from Eisley. Cute in an almost nerdy way. 

-That actor that played Jasper in "Twilight."

-Joe Jonas. No lie.

-Robert Iler from "The Sopranos." He is hott. And I don't call people hott.

Ending listing phase.

All of them except for two are musicians. Hmm. I must have a thing for them. Whatever. 

Aside from this randomness. My friend and I were going to do some shopping tomorrow morning, but there is supposed to be a big snow/ice/sleet storm right now in fact....dunno if it's actually happening, but we will not be going because of the roads. I'm actually okay with that....I need to catch up on some rest. 

Alright. I will more than likely write tomorrow....maybe something not worth reading at all. Who knows?

Sirens.

Hey, I'm writing again! For the second day in a row! Woo.

Not much has happened, but I'll just jot some information down anyways.

Work today from 10 AM-2 PM. 

Need to go to the bank after that. And I really need to get some Double A Batteries. How is it that whenever my mother purchases these little energy sources, all of a sudden they're all gone? She asked why she always needs to buy them, and yet I asked her why they are always all gone. Yea. 

I don't remember if I mentioned what I'm thinking of giving to *C* for Christmas. Since we would go on walks in our little subdivision, I came up with the idea to take a picture of the half-way point, meaning the point that is half-way between our houses. That is not the only reason it's significant, however. We always met there, we always ended there, and we always hugged there. So, I would like to think that it has a more personal meaning to us than the other people that live out here. Soooo I want to take the picture, do some editing to make it black & white (I love black & white photography), and frame it. And give it to him. Hopefully I can work up the courage to do just that.

Christmas........I really hate this holiday. Christmas has become all about consumerism. That is definitely not what it is supposed to be about. And adults, the ones that are supposed to have more sense than the youngsters "buy" (ha) into the false meaning. Ugh. The only holiday I actually like is Halloween. And I didn't really get to celebrate this year because I was so busy with school and work. But back to Christmas. I barely get anyone gifts. It's just the way I am. I really only get something for my 2 younger sisters. My parents don't want to receive anything, so that saves me time and money. And my friends have really come to expect nothing from me. Sure, in junior high I used to go all-out and get all of my friends nice gifts and wrap them and we would exchange and blah blah blah. But I came to my senses. So the point of this story is.....*C* is going to be receiving a rarity from me. And I shall make that known to him.

Alright, before I get off to do something productive, I feel like I should make a list of books that I would like to read this break. I'm not saying I will get to all of them, but hey, at least attempting counts for something.

-The Godfather by Mario Puzo (I'm actually reading this right now....it's taking longer than I expected, considering the films are my all-time favorites.)

-The Way He Lived by Emily Wing Smith (Again, I'm reading this now.....it's more boring than I expected.)

-The Words of Every Song by Liz Moore

-Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut

-The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

-Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

-The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

-Various poems by e e cummings

Kite Runner, Frankenstein, and Handmaid's Tale are actually for my Fiction class that starts next month. I thought maybe I'd try to read them before class started so I was ahead of the game, but.....we'll see. Of course, there are more books I want to read as well. But one step at a time.

Until next time....

It's been a while.

So. Soooooooo. It's been quite a long period of time. In fact, I do not know why I am writing again, considering it's been, oh, 4 months or so. 

But, I digress. 

I'm on break from my first semester at my loooovely community college. I'm so happy for it to be over. 

I have seriously considered just being done, quitting school and working full time at the bookstore. 

Speaking of bookstores, that's what I want to do. Open one of my own, I mean. With the coffee aspect too. Just like my job....but with my own flair. But I don't know the first thing about owning your own business. But I do know that it's a lot of hard work. 

But I'm always extremely happy at my job.....well, almost as "extremely happy" as I get. 

So what else is going on? Nothing really. 

Oh.....there's a boy. We aren't together....we're really good friends. He lives up the street from me, and we started going for walks in....August? 

Anyways, I do feel that I've had feelings for him since we met. The very first day...or night I should say. Aaaand just.....I dunno. I really don't. I'm so confused. 

I hung out with him at his house the week of Thanksgiving, and....yea. And so we didn't talk for around 2, 2 1/2, almost 3 weeks. And then he texts me and apologizes and tells me he misses me. And when I reciprocate the feeling.....he doesn't answer. 

Then a week later, this past Sunday to be exact, he's like, "hey, what's up? Would you wanna stay up late with me tonight?" Of course I agreed. But the night ended early because he ended up getting sick. 

And then last night he texts me and apologizes for the night before, and basically asked if I wanted to hang out. I said yea.....but then we ended up not. 

I don't understand. Of course I'm not going to text him because it seems to be better if he initiates the hang-out times. That way, I know that he wants to and obviously I want to as well.

He's soo different than any other guy. I want to know everything about him, even the things that he would think no one would care to know....if that makes any sense. 

I get in a depressed sort of funk when I'm not talking to him.....we used to go long periods of time without seeing each other and talking.....and I wasn't okay with that, but I dealt with it, it wasn't a huge concern for me....I thought about him a lot during those times apart, but, you know what they say: absence makes the heart grow fonder. 

But now......I dunno why it's so different all of a sudden. But I feel like......I feel like I can't live without him. That sounds ridiculously lame and creepy-stalker....but I can tell him anything and everything. And now that we're.....friends? Really good friends? Potential couple? Whatever we are, now that we are that, I feel like I don't want to loose him. He's like a drug, to reference Twilight.

The times I have with him are two things.

1) Bittersweet. That's like the perfect word to describe our times together, because obviously it's great. But the bitter part comes in and is always overshadowing my happiness when I'm with him, because the times always seem to go extremely fast, and they're over before I even realize it. 

2) The times are like a dream. After I'm done being with him, it feels like it didn't even happen. Sometimes I have to really think about if it actually was real. 

I'm so frustrated and confused. How can I hate him and love him at the same time? 

Love?

Hmm. All I know is that I have never felt the same way about anyone, and I mean anyone, in the way that I feel about him. All of my family, all of my other friends.....I don't hold the same feelings for any other person. 

And obviously when you love someone, you don't love them in the same way that you love your family, or your close friends. 

I don't know if it is love, like real love, but I am considering that. And it may sound odd considering we're not together.....but we are close friends, and he knows things about me that I don't tell a lot of people, and I know things about him, and......other happenings. 

I didn't pick just anyone. I picked him. 

He needs a code name. I would just prefer to not use him real one, for obvious reasons. 

Hmmm......*C* that shall work. His name obviously starts with a C.

Now enough about this......

I finally found the style I want to dress. Very....sophisticated yet simple, casual yet classy. Main colors: grey, ivory/cream, black, and white. I would love to find a cute pale pink dress.....I'm not a big color person, but pale pink adds to the vintage-y theme I like. Lots of cardigans, sweaters, blouses, wide-leg pants, boots, flats, and of course some Converse here and there. I really want to have all my things, my style of dress, my accessories, makeup, hair style, to really showcase who I am. I'm finally coming into who I want to be....I feel that the way I look should express that. 

Alright.....I've done a lot of ranting. I think should is it for now. I will try to get back into writing. It's like a journal. A really swell outlet for life. 

Catch you later.

The First

So it's been quite a few days since I last wrote. Well, I've been busy, with school and.....someone else. 

I had my first date.

I know that sounds totally lame, seeing as I'm 18 and a freshman in college, but that's besides the point. Anyways, he is the president of the college honors society, and I met him at the induction ceremony on Monday. 

--Okay, now time out. I think I was the youngest person to be inducted. Seriously. You have to have a 3.5 GPA and 12 credit hours.....well, technically I have 11.....but how many first semester freshman have that? Okay, time out over.--

At the ceremony, he came right up to me and introduced himself. And I was like.........huh. Yea, that pretty much sums it up. I knew there was something about him. He sat next to me, and we didn't talk a whole lot that night, but we kept giving "the eye." Ha!

Tuesday I was in the cafeteria having Indian food (irrelevant, but whatever) with my friend, and he started walking towards the table. We started talking and then he asked to sit down. Well, of course I said yes. And we really hit it off, apparently, because A) my friend said she could sense some chemistry, and B) he asked me out. So. Yea.

I really would prefer to not tell the entire story because it would just be too long. But let me just say that it was awesome. 

That was last night, and we hung out again tonight. So, something is looking up for me, finally. 

I promise I will try to write more.....if I can just work on not being so swamped with homework. Ha, like that will ever happen.

To-Do and a Happy Note

Things To Do:

-read chapter and articles for Sociology.

-reader's journal for Composition.

-write Van Gogh comparison paper for Humanities.

-continue reading Devil in the White City for Humanities as well.

-pick classes for future semesters.

-get license plate sticker.

-buy book for Film class.

-study for Environmental Geology.

-start planning a visit to NIU.

-go to Verizon to check out plans for Blackberry.

-make a list for the future. I know what this means, others probably don't.

-meeting for Honors Project.

-Phi Theta Kappa informal ceremony.

Just a few things.....

Bright side: Tomorrow's the first day of autumn. The most wonderful time of the year.

The last 2 Days

So, haven't written in a few days....what is it? Two?

Well, the night before, I was watching "House." And last night, I attended a high school soccer game, and then went to bed for a mere 4 hours before waking at 3 for a cram session for Sociology. So. That was my eventful life for a while.

I suppose I could discuss these events....they are happenings.

Soccer game-

I never had the fortunate event of going to one of these while I was actually in high school. So, upon my friend inviting me to go, I obliged. 

It was a difficult, and downright depressing time for me. Not because of the sport; I mean, who doesn't love a good ol' soccer rumble? Ha!

No.....it was because the boy that I set my heart on all senior year plays. I'm not going to report all the happenings of last year, because it's a bit too painful for me to rehash. But.....imagine, sitting on the hard bleachers, gnats flying around, and seeing that person that you longed for playing.....it makes you think back to everything that went on......like I said, depressing. I didn't stay for the whole game. 

What was the other topic I was going to discuss? Oh....cramming-

This was our first exam of the semester in my Intro to Sociology class. And I was freaking out. Literally. There's so much reading involved in this class, you wouldn't believe it. I could not focus for the life of me last night, so I went to bed around 10:30, and set the alarm for 3 so I could wake and study. I seem to work better early in the morning for some odd reason. Anyways, I went into the exam panicking.....I could not get a C or obviously anything below that. I didn't even want to get a B. I don't want to say that it was hard, or easy......it wasn't as difficult as I thought, let's put it that way. 50 multiple choice, a combo of application and reference problems; and 2 essays. I'm nervous to see my grade....but I'm glad it's over. And now, I essentially know what to expect. Time will tell.

So.....I have a quiz in Environmental Geology tomorrow. Should be okay, about volcanoes, and floods. Great, just what I love to talk about. And perhaps I shall attend the football game and support my sister, "the cheerleader." Awesome. Alright.

Until next time.....